since i pretty much hate anyone who has the ability to speak, i am constantly thinking of ways to avoid unexpected and unwanted conversations.
if we introduced a new system to the world, a system similar to the average cell phone plan, it would benefit everyone. well, maybe not everyone.
of course there would be the percentage of people who disagreed and would find it necessary to start a petition against this system. these are the assholes we are mostly trying to avoid in the first place. you know, the ones that haven’t shut up since the time they were unfortunately brought into this world. so of course they’d do something like this and start an obnoxious petition. but whatever. their street parade would last about 5 minutes until i arrived and lit all their signs on fire. which would be fair punishment.
so anyway.
we would have to set our plan up with minutes. the option to have “unlimited talk minutes” would not exist. you would be granted a certain amount of time per month to talk and after you run out of those minutes, you would have to either turn into charlie chaplin until the next month began or pay for extra time. but unlike phone plans, where you have to pay the company 50 cents per additional minute, you would have to pay the person you are talking to.
being bothered by someone wouldn’t be as terrible if you were getting paid for it. plus, if you wanted a little extra cash, you would probably know a handful of people who ALWAYS go over their minutes and could start a conversation with THEM. since they are so god damn annoying and will take any opportunity to talk, it’s almost guaranteed you would walk away with at least 20 bucks. possibly more. depending on your level of patience.
on the contrary, if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t talk that much and wind up having extra minutes at the end of the month, those minutes could be rolled over into the next month as “shut up minutes” — meaning if someone tried talking to you and you wanted them to shut up, you could use these minutes, to wipe out the equivalent amount of their talk minutes, whether they have gone over their plan or not. just like paper always beats rock with no logical explanation, shut up minutes would always beat talk minutes.
if you were really good at saving your shut up minutes you could eventually use them to legally kill people. if there was someone you absolutely could not stand another second to listen to, and you had saved up 500 shut up minutes, guess what: they’ll never be talking again. this would mean you’d have to start saving your shut up minutes from scratch, but it would be worth it.
if you were terrible at staying within your limitations and went over your minutes 12 consecutive months, you would lose your privilege to talk for the following 12 months. but the chances of someone going that many months in a row without being killed by shut up minutes is unlikely.
pretty much all the people who don’t know how to shut the fuck up are not going to be living as long as those who know how to use communication moderately and respectively.
anyway.
this new system needs to go into effect, immediately.
who’s with me.
