here we are again. another year. full of cheerful mother fuckers that i can’t stand. everyone thinks it’s all of a sudden acceptable to start conversations with strangers just because it’s around the holidays. i’d like to think i’m pretty consistent in the way i act throughout the year. i mean, i didn’t want to talk to you in august. so i certainly don’t want to talk to you in december, with a red velvet hat on your head. please do me a favor and jingle your bells elsewhere.
while most normal folk go about their day thinking of normal things like what they want for dinner, i’m constantly thinking of new ways to keep the general public away because, well, let’s be real: do i really need to have an explanation at this point. since the holidays are more intense than any other time of year, i’ve learned that one must be fully prepared.
there are a few things you need to carry with you at all times in the event that someone plops their jolly ass right down next to yours.
a phone. some food. and a gun.
if you are traveling with all of these things, it’s guaranteed you’ll survive. if you only bring food or a phone, you’re going to run into some trouble, somewhere along the way. if you’re only going to bring ONE of these things, i’d highly suggest bringing the gun. this is the easiest way out of any unwanted conversation. if you bring none of these things well then fuck you, you deserve to have your ear chewed on by a fat goat while being read ‘twas the night before christmas on repeat by an annoying fuck dressed up like an elf.
anyway.
a phone. this is the one tool that will lead most people to believe you’re too busy to be bothered by their so-called magical holiday nonsense they’re dying to tell you. this plan doesn’t always work since you can only pretend to be on your phone for so long until it would “technically” die. not to mention, some traveling requires flying through clouds where phone service isn’t even an option, in which case you’re fucked. and scratch that plan. it’ll help while you wait to board your plane and before takeoff but as soon as those jerks in the dumb uniforms announce all electronic devices must be turned off you might as well jump out the window, mid take off. which in my personal opinion, is a much better alternative than struggling through the chance of your neighbor glancing in your direction with a story ready to tell.
since the phone isn’t 100% effective you must also bring food.
i call it emergency food. not because, oh no what if we break down and get stranded for 24 hours we’ll need food. no. you can survive without food for 24 hours. jesus survived without food for 40 days so calm the fuck down, everybody. i’m talking about real emergencies. humans. there are many ways you can get rid of them, just by having that emergency food with you.
for starters, if it’s in a wrapper, you’re already ahead of the game so congratulations on being clever. furthermore, get one of those wrappers that makes a lot of noise. the more noise you make, the more irritated the people around you will get. sure the wrapper might be easy as shit to get open but no one else needs to know that. struggle a bit. tug at it. waive it like an obnoxious fan back and forth, preferably in your new neighbors face. “accidentally” hit them in the head with it. put it in your mouth. try to rip it open with your teeth. if you need to growl, go ahead, growl. bark. at this point, do whatever you need to do to get this human away from you. but be careful. a lot of people like dogs and a lot of people are dumb as fuck so they might just mistake you for mans best friend. so if they start to pet your head, that’s when you can take out the gun. just to scare them. that should shut them right up, even if they haven’t already started talking, all of their planned thoughts for starting a conversation will be inverted back so far into their brain from the panic of your quick flashing of the gun, they’ll forget they’re even alive. they’ll probably go into a state of shock for a few seconds, perhaps minutes, but that’s not long enough to keep them away for good. they’ll come to and remember what they wanted to say and then you’re fucked again. so also, don’t be a dumb ass and eat the food when they pass out.
if the whole wrapper thing doesn’t work, don’t worry, you still have a chance. open that damn thing up and take the food out.
things that crumble are very helpful. the bigger mess you can make with the food, the better chance you’ll have of keeping these a holes away. nobody likes being near scumbags. so BE A SCUMBAG. chew with your mouth open. have half the crumbs fall out. who gives a shit. the whole point here is to disgust the person so bad that they get up and leave. even if they can’t because they’re stuck on a 6 hour flight, they’ll find a way. and hopefully warn everyone else about you.
if they don’t seem to be bothered by any of these things, use their shirt as a napkin. no need to apologize, it’s not like you MADE them sit there. and it’s safe to assume they didn’t ask you to please not use their shirt as a napkin beforehand so how are you supposed to know not to do so. if grabbing the sleeve is getting annoying after every bite, try to take their shirt off.
they’ll probably get offended by that move and get up. unless of course you’re next to a creep, they’re obviously going to enjoy this so just pay the fuck attention, alright. observe your surroundings before you take such drastic measures.
in the event that NONE of these things work, and you find yourself buried in a sea of words that seem to be forming sentences coming out of someone’s mouth that you don’t want to hear….. take your gun out, and shoot that mother fucker.
you’re welcome.
some would consider this unethical but i consider the above tactics fair warning.
anyway. i’m just here to help. if you want to survive the madness of traveling during the holidays, whether you’re an insane asylum patient on the loose like myself, or just someone who likes to boast in conversations about whatever the fuck you’re trying to tell strangers, you know what to do.
either bring these 3 items or shut the fuck up.
happy holidays.
