OH MY GOD IT’S ME!!!!!!!!!!!
hey society fuck you it’s bad enough you ruined two of my favorite things by adding dumb shit words like “social” to ice cream and “party” to pizza. NOW YOU HAVE TO GO AND RUIN BURRITOS FOR ME TOO BY ADDING A BABY? STOP.
*turns a stranger baby into burrito and throws it at a piñata*
related: this god damn thing is real.
and real fucked up.
sorry i can’t make it i have a lot to do today. *hangs up and stares at this for 17 hours*
It’s that time of year again! Check out these incredible images of snowflakes under a microscope by Alexey Kljatov.
A happy Friday to our follows - each of them a unique snowflake!
Nature never ceases to amaze me.
next time PETA is all YOU ARE AN AWFUL MONSTER FOR WANTING TO HANG DEAD DEER HEADS ON YOUR WALL i’m gonna be like LISTEN SHIT FUCKS, DO YOU SHOVEL YOUR DRIVEWAY WHEN YOUR CAR IS STUCK IN THE SNOW? YOU ARE DESTROYING ONE OF EARTH’S MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATIONS. TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR SISTER, YOU’RE THE AWFUL MONSTER. and then i’ll still go home for the holidays and shovel my driveway. i just really like making valid points. also like, i don’t even have any dead deer heads hanging on my wall yet and PETA has never said one word to me about anything. i just figured i should be prepared, ya know, if the occasion ever arises.
'tis the season.
*turns into a snowflake again*
i feel like if i had to get a CAT scan, my brain would look like this and the doctors might not be concerned, but i would be concerned. i would be very concerned. i am very concerned. how is this happening. what is even happening. who hexed me. it’s getting so bad, it’s like i want to wake up and start a pot of coffee and have elves (and also the little indian because he was dope as fuck) pop out of my cupboards and sing me a holiday song while the coffee brews and that’s not okay. none of this is fucking okay. i fucking hate being jolly. WHY IS EVERYTHING MAKING ME JOLLY. MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT STOP.
'tis the season.
*turns into a snowflake*
this is the only advice i feel comfortable giving year after year so if you’re wondering, “is she really reblogging herself again?” the answer is shut the fuck up. and yes, i am.
here we are again. another year. full of cheerful mother fuckers that i can’t stand. everyone thinks it’s all of a sudden acceptable to start conversations with strangers just because it’s around the holidays. listen pal, i’m trying to get from point a to point b and i don’t care if we’re on a plane, or on a train… or waiting in a long ass line to buy a ticket to go wherever point b is, i’m not here to talk to you about your baby’s first experience with a fake santa claus. first of all i don’t know you. more importantly, why the fuck do you think i’d wanna hear a shitty story about your god damn baby. shut up. go away. jesus christ. i’d like to think i’m pretty consistent in the way i act throughout the year. if i didn’t want to talk to you in august, i certainly don’t want to talk to you in december, with a red velvet hat on your stupid head so please do me a favor and jingle your bells elsewhere.
while most normal folk go about their day thinking of normal things, like what they want for dinner or goals they’d like to achieve to become a better person, i’m constantly thinking of new ways to keep the general public away from me because, well, let’s be real: do i really need to have an explanation at this point. since the holidays are more intense than any other time of year, i’ve learned that one must be fully prepared.
there are a few things you need to carry with you at all times in the event that someone plops their jolly ass right down next to you.
if you’re traveling with all of these things, it’s guaranteed you’ll survive. so good job. way to be prepared. what were you - a boy/girl scout? must’ve been. anyway. if you only bring food or a phone, you’re going to run into some trouble, somewhere along the way. if you’re only going to bring ONE of these things, i’d highly suggest bringing the gun. this is the easiest way out of any unwanted conversation. if you bring none of these things, well then fuck you, you deserve to be trapped in snow globe for the rest of eternity.
a phone. this is the one tool that will lead most people to believe you’re too busy to be bothered by their so-called magical holiday nonsense they’re dying to tell you. this plan doesn’t always work since you can only pretend to be on your phone for so long until it would technically die. not to mention, some traveling requires flying through clouds where phone service isn’t even an option, in which case you’re fucked. and scratch that plan. it’ll help while you wait to board your plane and before takeoff but as soon as those jerks in the dumb uniforms announce all electronic devices must be turned off you might as well jump out the window, mid take off. which in my personal opinion, is a much better alternative than struggling through the chance of your neighbor glancing in your direction with a story ready to tell.
since the phone isn’t 100% effective you must also bring food.
i call it emergency food. not because, oh no what if we break down and get stranded for 24 hours we’ll need food. no. you can survive without food for 24 hours. jesus survived without food for 40 days so calm the fuck down, everybody. i’m talking about real emergencies. humans. there are many ways you can get rid of them, just by having food with you.
for starters, if it’s in a wrapper, you’re already ahead of the game so congratulations on being clever. furthermore, get one of those wrappers that makes a lot of noise. the more noise you make, the more irritated the people around you will get. sure the wrapper might be easy as shit to get open but no one else needs to know that. struggle a bit. tug at it. wave it like an obnoxious fan back and forth, preferably in your new neighbors face. “accidentally” hit them in the head with it. put it in your mouth. try to rip it open with your teeth. if you need to growl, go ahead, growl. bark. at this point, do whatever you need to do to get this human away from you. but be careful. a lot of people like dogs and a lot of people are dumb as fuck so they might just mistake you for man’s best friend. so if they start to pet your head, that’s when you can take out the gun. just to scare them. that should shut them right up, even if they haven’t already started talking, all of their planned thoughts for starting a conversation will be inverted back so far into their brain from the panic of your quick flashing of the gun, they’ll forget they’re even alive. they’ll probably go into a state of shock for a few seconds, perhaps minutes, but that’s not long enough to keep them away for good. they’ll come to and remember what they wanted to say and then you’re fucked again. so also, don’t be a dumb ass and eat the food while they’re passed out.
if the whole wrapper thing doesn’t work, don’t worry, you still have a chance. open that damn thing up and take the food out.
things that crumble are very helpful. the bigger mess you can make with the food, the better chance you’ll have of keeping these assholes away. nobody likes being near a scumbag. so BE A SCUMBAG. chew with your mouth open. have half the crumbs fall out. who gives a shit. the whole point here is to disgust the person so bad that they get up and leave. even if they can’t because they’re stuck on a 6 hour flight, they’ll find a way. and hopefully warn everyone else about you.
if they don’t seem to be bothered by any of these things, use their shirt as a napkin. no need to apologize, it’s not like you MADE them sit there. and it’s safe to assume they didn’t ask you to please not use their shirt as a napkin beforehand so how are you supposed to know not to do so. if grabbing the sleeve is getting annoying after every bite, try to take their shirt off.
they’ll probably get offended by that move and get up. unless of course you’re next to a creep, they’re obviously going to enjoy this so just pay the fuck attention, alright. observe your surroundings before you take such drastic measures.
in the event that NONE of these things work, and you find yourself buried in a sea of words that seem to be forming sentences coming out of someone’s mouth that you don’t want to hear….. take your gun out, and shoot that mother fucker.
some would consider this unethical but i consider the above tactics fair warning.
anyway. i’m just here to help. if you want to survive the madness of traveling during the holidays, whether you’re an insane asylum patient on the loose like myself, or just someone who likes to boast in conversations about whatever the fuck you’re trying to tell strangers, you know what to do.
either bring these 3 items or shut the fuck up.
This is a ring made from dinosaur bone, meteorite, and gold.
NOW that’s what i call a wedding ring (Vol. 42)
i’ve never in my life, looked at someone’s wedding ring and oohed and ahhed over it mostly because shut up but also because calm the fuck down it’s a stupid gross diamond that’s not really worth anything. HOWEVER. IF SOMEONE PUT THIS GLORIOUS RING ON MY HAND I WOULD LOOK THEM IN THE EYE AND TELL THEM I LOVE THEM AND THEN I WOULD IMMEDIATELY RUN AWAY AND SIT IN A ROOM BY MYSELF AND STARE AT MY HAND UNTIL THE END OF TIME AND JUST SAY OVER AND OVER “wow so cool. SO COOL.” i’d probably also have jurassic park playing on repeat in the corner of the room i decided to spend the rest of my life in. that’s just a side note. i guess it’s not super important but if you really wanted the whole visual of how i picture my life to be, that’s it.
I am so done with myself as a person right now.
I am so done with this post right now.
yeah *rolls eyes* supernatural food is really the only kind i’ll eat. if it doesn’t have eyeballs and/or antlers *rolls eyes* get it out of my face.
my piece of shit sister went to space without me - i will never forgive her for this
[ click the picture to watch the full launch into space ]
Lobster Teacher Will Bare No Bangs!
omg, japan. calm down. stop being lobsters and bring back the woolly mammoth. PLEASE. YOU PROMISED US.
when two human folk engage in the activity of sexual intercourse to create a baby… shut up. don’t listen to anything anyone else tells you, they’re lying. it doesn’t happen like that. babies come from outer space. the proof is right here.
whoa. i thought this was a picture of me as an infant but then i looked closer and was all, oh. nope. not me. my basket was filled with 5 dollar bills.
holy shit, i can’t believe this goat and pig reenacted charlie the unicorn so perfectly.
GOAT: charlie wake up wake up you silly sleepy head we’re going to candy mountain
"charlie" the pig: NOT NOW
goat: COME ON CHARLI WAKE UP CANDY MOUNTAIN CHARLIE, CANDY MOUNTAIN! COME ON CHARLIE WE’RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE… IT’LL BE AN ADVENTUREEEE…
"charlie" the pig: please stop bouncing on me
goat: CANDY MOUNTAIN CHARLIE CANDY MOUNTAIN
"charlie" the pig: alright FINE i’ll come with you to candy mountain
also sorry i’ve lost my mind. but SERIOUSLY. this is what’s going on. there’s no other explanation. these animals should win a fucking award.
paul souders spent two weeks in the hudson bay looking for polar bears, but spotted only two. luckily, this one, photographed thirty miles offshore of churchill, manitoba, felt comfortable enough to get “very, very close. scary close,” as he put it. “i couldn’t believe i was doing something this crazy close. …i could hear her slow, regular breathing as she watched me below the surface, increasingly curious. it was very special.”
you know that part in the THE RING, (yeah, THE RING - that terrible movie from a few years back), when that creepy ass ghost bitch came crawling through the screen of the TV with her joints being bent in places where joints should never be bent. well i would like something similar to happen right now. but instead of a TV screen, it’d be my laptop screen and instead of a creepy ass ghost bitch, it’d be this ridiculously cute POLAR BEAR. PLEASE HAPPEN. PLEASE HAPPEN. i don’t even care if my face starts melting, i just wanna say hello to this cute little buddy. HEY BUDDY HEY.
I haven’t seen About Time, but I imagine it goes something like this:
EXT. - PARK
Rachel and Domhnall are taking an afternoon stroll.
Rachel: HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD, I’m so sorry I just threw up on your shoes.
Domhnall: It’s okay. We’ve been standing and laughing in the rain for fifteen minutes now, so they’ll be clean soon.
Rachel: Fifteen minutes? I thought it just happened like five seconds ago?
Domhnall: TIME TRAVEL!
Rachel: THAT’S INCREDIBLE (vomits again).
Domhnall: WHY IS MY NAME DOMHNALL???
i’d probably go see this movie if it was exactly like the description above. but i doubt it is so fuck it. *orders another large pizza and starts another episode of seinfeld*